i drove a speedboat today. it was so fun!!! haha sea wind in your face, riding the waves, flying across the waters at times, the vastness the sea provides. went through from poly marina to sentosa to east coast thru the singapore river, past fullerton all the way into clarke quay. it was excellent. so glad i chose to go for the boating thing instead of being out in town with someone. the boat ride i never got with you. i really dun mind lying on a pontoon all day fishing with someone. fantastic. but setting up and then cleaning up was a bitch, irritating. i can see what u meant now. and i have really gay hands for a guy, too soft. the ropes made them kinda sore and rough today... now i know why your hands felt the way they do.
i bring you along where ever i go. you are part of me.
you are just supressed into my subconcious as much as possible so i dont have to face the conscious reality of your absence each time. dreams still come though, because you are in that universe of mine still, things of no relation to you, incidents and events also trigger you of in that universe. it no longer hurts as much waking up though. used to it.
perfect song for today. if she wants me, belle and sebastian.
I wrote a letter on a nothing day
I asked somebody: Could you send my letter away? You are too young to put all of your hopes in just one envelope
I said goodbye to someone that I love
Its not just me, I tell you its the both of us
And it was hard
Like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy
Someone above has seen me do alright
Someone above is looking with a tender eye
Upon your face, you may think you're alone but you may think again
If I could do just one near perfect thing I'd be happy
They’ d write it on my grave, or when they scattered
my ashes
On second thoughts I’d rather hang around and
Be there with my best friend
If she wants me
And far away somebody read the letter
He condescends to read the words I wrote about him
And if he smiles, its no more than a genius deserves
For all his curious nerve and your passion
I’m going deaf, you’re growing melancholy
Things fall apart, I don’t know why we bother at all
But life is good and Its always worth living at least for
a while
If you think to yourself : What should I do now?
Then take the baton, girl, you better run with it
There is no point in standing in the past cause it ’s over and done with
I took a book and went into the forest
I climbed the hill, I wanted to look down on you
But all I saw was twenty miles of wilderness so I went home
i can say i remember and it would be the total truth.
i can say that i forgot and it would also be the total truth.
its hard to define ghosts. the ink that wrote the chapters of you and me ever since the beginning has faded into one of those ghost writings in the book of magic tricks, where one uses lemon to write on paper. blank pages is all you see. the stuff's there but it aint.
the sun will continue to shine even when the seas freeze over. it just might not be warm enough to melt the seas. it would shine nonetheless. thats what it was made to do.
its funny how i forgot all the bad memories and how its the good memories that actually haunt me. day and night. even while chewing gum in my mouth they burst out to haunt me.
you could never know why i did the things i do or said the things i said. or why i do certain things the way i do them. but what you did know is that i loved you, that you gave me a strong purpose and meaning. that you could make me the happiest person i could be. on that note you ran away and i hate you for that. God help me forgive and forget. 77 times 7. and forgive me too, for pushing so hard. it was never because you were incompetent it wasnt like that at all. it was caused i believed you had more in you. it was insensitive. i took it for granted that if it works for me it can work for you, i always push myself not because i think im not good enough but because i think i can be better, so i stretch myself till breaking point. oh God, its the only regret of my life.
sorrow can take care of itself, but to get the true benefit of joy, one must share it.
i want to be famous. i want to be rich. i want to get married to the love of my life. i want to travel the world. i want to be intelligent. high aq, iq, eq. i want to be a blessing to others. i want to ease this heartache. i want to be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. blessed in my coming and blessed in my going.
right now i have congested lungs, green phlegm, a too-streetpunky-and-short haircut because the hairdresser made a mistake and white skin that badly needs to be sunkissed. a long list of things to buy, i also require a birthday prezzie for my mommy. its interesting to know that my mother's dream is for me to study in a good university in the UK.
And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name
i conclude: alessandra ambrosio is my favourite model for now, i have a thing for brazilian and filipina women or any kind of women mixed with that bloodline. and you ought to be happy to know that to me you were sexy in a j.lo kinda way...
i think if my friends were set loose upon you they would torture and kill you. haha its funny and cute in a rather morbid way. i have an imagery of them destroying you right now.
for the first time in my life i walked thru the streets of geylang after dinner with friends... just to look see. my goodness, its like a human pasar malam with all the touting, haggling, sizing up... everything you can get in a bazaar. just that women are selling their bodies. for some strange reason, my friend thinks its my smaller size, the girls keep picking on me.. hey u so handsome, and then start touching me to my digust. now thats not even arousing. its cheap. i wanted to snap back, yeah im so handsome thats why i don't pay for my sex. but honestly i was afraid they would become mad sluts and whack me up. there was this damn big size indian prostitute, i mean taller than 185 kinder thing and bulky,in the dark alley that we walked through. now that was scary. i had to fake i was on the phone so she wont come up and destroy me. interesting experience. some of them were really attractive too, they could make money being models if they wanted...
can i pay someone to make me believe what i wanna believe. can i pay someone to take away this feeling inside.. to soothe it.. i wish i could. i frigging wish i could.
what i manage to achieve at zouk on wed:
1) got punched
2) bleeding nose and lip from (1)
3) match stick burns on my collarbone for being stupid with myself
4) a phone number from a guy called shuwen who owes me a drink. refer to (1) and (2)
5) the knowledge on the perks of being a police officer. thats right, lie flat on your back and do everything the nice police officer tells you to do. haha. for the girls.
6) a weird experience where my best bud's ex comes crying and hugging him saying she is sorry
7) that i have to get a couple of new shirts
thank heavens i did not see you there. it would have been really crazy.. i have a new craze for trance, techno. its nice to dance to a lil at home. feel the beat. piece of heaven, bad boy, cascada, safri duo kinda thing. doong chi doong chi. with that trademark bobbing of the head back and forth. haha sweet. irritating after awhile but sweet nonetheless.
if 'lovers and friends' wasnt so sexual i would have posted the lyrics up but for tonight its a chinese number for you out there..
ban ye sui bu zao jiao, ba xing qing heng cheng ge....
... zai wu ding chang che ni the ge, zai wu ding he wo ai de ren...
wu ding by jay chow and and landy wen. my hanyu pinyin sucks so i cant really type down the lyrics properly in case you guys were wondering what the hell suen is talking about lol
never could seat myself down to blog this past week. this is so true: we are who we are today because of the commitments we or others have made on our lives. whatever will be will be... this que sara sara attitude, its very appealing like how the court's of cleopatra are. much can be gone to loss without sound commitments. a carefree life of liberty has to be constantly put in balance. that is what i learnt and believe.
just finished the one week sergeant course in tracom. and surprisingly it was somewhat fun. call me elitist but it seriously is enjoyable to work together with people that think on the same lamda as you. i.e. most of them in the course are from the jc's and some from the poly's. refreshing from the usual crew you get in tracom. work was done fast and well, less conflicts, more things to talk about, its easier to click. from the course i realised that i need to improve on my presentation skills cuz it sucks by my standards. well at least i know i can write good last minute essays during lecture time because i did not do them at home, after a year of rotting that is.
stepping through the academy again, i was reminded how i used to write letters to you, and then when my father drives home for work ill ask him to come by and ill pretend to go on a jog in camp, he will come to the gate and ill pass him the letters to post so you can get them on the week itself for your pleasure.
I follow the night Can't stand the light When will I begin To live again? One day I'll fly away Leave all this to yesterday What more could your love do for me? When will love be through with me? Why live life from dream to dream.... And dread the day When dreaming ends? One day I'll fly away Leave all this to yesterday Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends One day I'll fly away Fly, fly Away
because whereever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure.
but my heart is agitated. It has dreams, it gets emotional and it's become passionate over a woman in a desert. It asks things of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights, when I'm thinking about her. My heart is a traitor, it does'nt want me to go on.
that makes sense, naturally it's afraid that in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've ever won.
well then. why should i listen to my heart?
because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside of you, repeating what you're thinking about life and about the world.
you mean i should listen, even if it's treasonous?
treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly, if you know your heart, well, it will never be able to do that to you. because you'll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them. you will never be able to escape from your heart. so it's better to listen to what it has to say. that way, you'll never have to fear and unanticipated blow.
what is the point of affection to a person if it is not shared. what is the point of love for a person if it is not given. how can you say forever when ill see you next to never. it doesnt work like that. there is no point in all of that if things are like that. forget me, make me a ghost if that helps your sad and painful situation. of needing and loving that ghost but not being able to be with it. that the easy way. run far away. sometimes i wish for your sake and mine we never tasted what we tasted in each other's kiss. it cost too much. why did you run.. why did you run.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
forever huh.
i tasted forever in your lips. and thats the closest i ever got with another person to any form of 'forever'. im a ghost now. its hard being a ghost. its hard turning you into a ghost. you were always too tangible for that. and now i have to force myself to forget your existance. do i even want to? no.
this kinda weather... is great to roll around in bed.. to feel sedated, lazy is acceptable in this kinda weather. ooh. and i have a 2 week break from shift work. off 4 days already.. whole of next week 830 to 4 plus 5.. 5 day week, followed by same thing on mon the following week and the 11th and 12th off too. wow. that makes me extremely happy. except i have not got anything planned and it might gimme too much time idling and thinking. i already walked down orchard road alone, wheelock to plaza sing.. thinking.. hoping i bump into you at the same time. wth right. no shit. i have some good stuff coming up soon.. but im too lazy to type it out now so maybe tmr..