its the end of the year and i have got nothing to show for. nothing. and that sucks. its so depressing. and its not just you. yeah sure you ruined me and everything but thats not what this dissed out feeling im feeling now is all about. at least not entirely. now we arent even talking and its so damn sad, kills me. why do we have to do this cant we just kiss and make up.. isnt life supposed to be just as simple as that. i dreamt the other night that i was kissing you, again, so real. this time i could feel the moment i was waking up and i struggled with all the power within me to stay in my dream. vanilla skies are hard to leave. i felt reality pulling, literally. and blam im snapped back into reality. its funny how when you are having a nightmare its the other way round, you try so hard to pull back into reality but the nightmare holds you down in its realm. listen to this song. its called the elephant love medley.
Love is a many splendored thing, love, lifts us up where we
belong, all you need is love.
Please, don't start that again.
All you need is love. A girl has got to eat.
All you need is love. Or she'll end up on the streets.
All you need is love.
Love is just a game.
I was made for loving you baby, you were made for loving me.
The only way of loving me baby, is to pay a lovely fee
Just one night, give me just one night.
There's no way, cause you can't pay.
In the name of love, one night in the name of love.
You crazy fool, I won't give in to you.
Don't leave me this way, I can't survive, without your sweet
love, oh baby, don't leave me this way.
You'd think that people would have had enough of silly
love songs.
I look around me and I see, it isn't so, oh no.
Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs.
Well what's wrong with that? I'd like to know. Cause here I go
again! Love lifts us up where we belong, where eagles fly, on
a mountain high. Love makes us act like we are fools, throw our lives away
for one happy day.
We could be heroes! Just for one day.
You, you will be mean.
No I won't! And I, I--I'll drink all the time.
We should be lovers.
We can't do that.
We should be lovers, and that's a fact.
Though nothing, will keep us together.
We could steal time...
Just for one day.We could be heroes, forever and ever.
We could be heroes, forever and ever. We could be heroes...
Just because I will always love you.
I Can't help loving you How Wonderful life is
Now your in the world.
talk to me pls. i wish i could sing like ewan, i sing to you if you don't mind.
my com has been down for awhile and its still screwy. irritating. i want a new com. and can i be part of your life again pls? i promise ill be really really good..
christmas has slipped away.
that day i manipulated everything as well as i could with my superpowers just to turn up for 15mins at your place cuz i wanted to see you to give you your prezzie and wish you merry christmas. wanted to give you a hug but you seemed uninviting for one. bleagh. maybe its just me. well this is just so you know.
you gave me such impolite short notice. but i dun doubt that sometimes i know how you feel abt certain things and why you do things the way you do.. your soul is familiar so i understand. wanted to use your phone and almost stepped into your room for it but stopped myself short. Can't. to go in the place of love, place of rest, of memories, of goodbyes, of your things- that is fatal.
i reckoned i changed alot from j1, not only in looks. i often wonder if i became a better person. i know im hotter, plus im getting more muscle. yay. how abt you? getting close to alba? you suck. haha. im more open... im not sure if im a better person though, and i cant really be the judge to that. need someone to judge me, give me honest opinions. i can take it. i remember at the end of last year where we all set our goals and visions for the new year.. i was thinking to myself what a good year i had.. and i really believed with all my heart that 2004 would be even better, i prayed. but this year just didnt cut it.. and im starting to feel a wee bit pessimistic. ill have to pull my strength and faith together for 2005.
im gonna save lotsa money next year so i can bless people with christmas prezzies. i was ill prepared this time around, only a select few of my very closest got smtg from me. really sorry guys.
Its sad that some people end up being with the person they loved last, and not the one they loved most. granted that they might eventually love that person the most after time it is still sad cuz with the person you loved most, you can soar with greater intensity with the same amount of time. it will be beautiful. Its sad because this is a choice that people make for themselves, you cant blame anything but yourself. and that sucks. so i urge all of you to choose the latter.. the universe will conspire to help you. just keep the faith.
the pure language of the world. when you know that language, its easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when 2 such people encounter each other, and thier eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. there is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by the one hand only. it is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.
then lay your heart on me and you shall be at home in our mansion. home is where the heart is.
There are 2 ways change comes about, one is by revelation, the other is by revolution. someone told me that.
I had a very relaxing time of tanning with a friend today at a club. felt like a holiday, my goodness.. and im serving my ns. lol. on my way home i met one of those people asking to buy donation coupons, he shook my hand.. said he wasnt selling anything and went thru a series of rehearsed lines so quickly and asked if i would like to donate. i politely said no. when i want to donate i will donate, i believe in free choice and i do not like to be patronised and i do not like to give out of obligation. furthermore he lied to me that he wasnt selling anything. he told me sarcastically and with such spite as i walked away: you know its ok, but what goes around comes around. I wanted to snap back, but i did not cuz its not nice. i wanted to tell him, let God be the judge of that, that i do not believe in that, that i do not believe i give cuz what goes around comes around, cuz i will gather good karma if i give. that should not the be the reason. i respect his selling of those coupons but i feel that he should examine the reasons he is selling those coupons if he passes such statements.
i learnt alot during service last week. the preacher was an excellent communicator, sy rogers. repect man. respect. changed my perspective, blew my mind. only few people can do that with me. he was gay once, was. told us his story. he is still effeminate, you can see that but thats jez nothing if you see whats inside, and if you ask me, its rather endearing. he is married with a daughter my age who is so damn pretty by the way, and it isnt just a veneer. everyone should listen to him speak. im not homophobic anymore. lol. blew my mind. respect.
last night while changing passes for people a cute pakistani girl came by with her friend, she said something to me in malay, started laughing and asked whether i fahum or not or smtg.. i said i tak fahum, she continued laughing. at least my partner speaks malay, she was saying i was really cute. ha. nice one there.
christmas is coming. and it reminds me of lotsa things. after a levels, free and easy, a certain girl in my life, drinks, partying, prezzies, laughter, kisses, hugs, cuddles, micheal buble, white christmas, the list goes on. i wish i could spend christmas with you again, all cuddled up. warm in the cradle of love. nothing beats that. nothing. thats enough of that for today.
i hate sleeping off. its the suckiest off day, whole body feeling lethargic, you dun wanna waste the day sleeping but yet you are so tired from night shift, loss of appetite, a general sianess.. all you wanna do is slack the day away and yet you dun wanna waste it. bleagh. and my dad's com is down. this is sadness, i cant play the game i keep playing.
anyone wanna mambo with me next wed?
heres a song
I took for granted, all the times That I thought would last, somehow I hear the laughter, I taste the tears But I can't get near you now
but this line says it best
if i see you next to never, how can we say forever.
usually when i step into a patrol car i wouldnt put my seat belt on, either i forget to or because its uncomfortable with all the equipment around my waist. then yesterday as i was being driven around in the patrol car i noticed something when the car stopped, my seat belt was on, and i did not even remember putting it on. i swear i did not make the conscious effort to put it on, they usually have to remind me. its interesting to note that its that my partner, the driver, for that day was a woman. jokes.
i drank port that day and it was fantastic.. everyone should try it. its stronger for a red wine , 20% alcohol content. on the first sip it comes on very strong, but the nice thing about it is it gets sweeter with each sip and it seemingly gets less strong on the palate. seductive. dangerous. just like how you are. never tasted such sweet wine before. i loved it. reminds me of something. think kisses, think lips, think love.
dont you understand how it is? how you mean to me. why i want to be with you. how beautiful you are to me.
i tried to take a nap today and this is what happened.
i went through the usual motions of getting into bed, set my alarm, saw that i could only afford a 40min nap b4 i have my dinner and head to work the night shift. closed my eyes and snuggled up. timecheck 1645. closed my eyes.. now at this point i do not know whether i am asleep or not. whether im dreaming or im just thinking. i remember starting of thinking as i closed my eyes.. then a series of things flowed across my mental slate. it was a short movie or a skit. i was happy, we were happy in it.. laughing and playing, loving each others company. thats all i know. it was so clear to me when it happened but when i opened my eyes i forgot what it was all about. when i opened my eyes i was sobbing and my pillow had a wet spot on it. when i woke up, i realised it wasnt real. timecheck 1653. i couldnt fall asleep again after that.
i want to ask you something, but im afraid of the answer.
there are 2 ways to leave an imprint in a person's life.. one is to hold him close, gently, slowly till the imprint is there. the other is to punch it into him. a short imprint, contact breaks off in an instant.. the pain stings on.
dont think just cause we dont see each other or talk to each other i have stopped thinking about how you are, what you must be doing. its not like that at all.
there was a butch couple on the mrt.. i swear its the first time i saw a couple like that blatantly PDA-ing.. eww i mean even if it was a straight couple you would get uncomfortable. this one is 2 boyish girls touching each other incessantly and openly being affectionate and all. ergh. what is this world coming to.
i sent a friend off the other day at the airport and also did an illegal thing along the way. but this is not the point. what happened was within that group of students going overseas there was this girl who is the gf of my barker classmate i havent seen in ages and he was sending her off. i was like, hey.. he said i looked familiar but couldnt name me, i told him and he was like oh yeah, my u have changed alot, grown so much and all.. well yeah, that sorta happens to people. i helped him get some ysl's out from his girl. thing was, the girl is cute, she was talking to me and told me, a total stranger, how tired my friend was cuz he took an mc to stay over at her place the night b4, she said it with a hint of pride. told me she was gonna miss him so much. under my breath i told her, yeah i understand totally what it all means but she did catch me and drifted off to her fairytale world of how happy she was that he stayed over and all. i tell no lie, she was floating when she related all that to me. at the back of my mind for some reason i was smiling to myself.
i am a very objective person. when i want something i go out and get it. i devise ways, i manipulate; i juggle, contort, conjure till i get what i want or desire out of something. anyone can see that from the way i plan out my life. but i learnt a very important thing from you, its not always about being objective. not everything in life is an objective. being objective all the time is unhealthy, it can screw relationships up. im sorry to all the people i have been insensitive to because of my objectivity. im learning.
im spending too much money lately, cash is flying out of my account, i have been going out more frequently, buying more things, and i still have loads on my lists of things. its christmas after all. perhaps thats y i do not feel especially low or anything recently.
you can only be yourself when you have nothing to lose. im hoping every moment ill see your number or name on my phone because you sent a msg or called. im hoping i get a letter in the mail or see you on the streets. right now im not super low or anything i feel neutral i hope it stays this way.
think abt the phrase "like honey on your lips" there is something very nice abt it. your name is like honey to me lips.. yum. there was this fashion spread i saw in a mag that had girls in menshirts lookin like they just got out of bed.. there is something infinitely sexy and appealing about that to me.
finally raced after so long, you have no idea how amazing it feels.. ran according to my plan..eating up the last 2km as much as i could. after the finishing... the high i felt was simply amazing.. felt so alive so accomplished. my mind still going at hyperdrive even after i stopped. shiok. the road marshalls this year were so much better, they cheered us on, actually looked at you and gave encouraging remarks like they knew you. but where were you. before i blasted the 2km i said to myself: with you holding my hands and God lighting my feet i will go. and i went with the your ring on my left like a placebo because i dunno where you are anymore. what a sad ass.
there was a pretty road marshall that all the guys noticed, i just looked at her as i ran passed and she said to me eye to eye 'come on you are running well' and it had an effect even though she was a perfect stranger to me. i can't even start describing how it was for my track races last year. haha the whole team was like saying if we see her again we'll ask for a number. but oh well it wasnt destined.
dinner after that was great, had so much fun, drank quite abit because i was somehow losing all the games.. we were all so happy. power packed day. awake for almost 24 hours. im sure my card cant be smaller than yours! and there goes another cup of vodka kurant ribena into my system. a number b/w 75 and 200. i chose 76. what are the chances, vodka vanilla with coke into my system. and so on.
on that night i had two dreams of you. one was the mrt one again, this time i spotted you in the carriage standing up so i walked up beside you and just looked at your reflection on the window without you having to notice me. and then dennis woke me up at 5am. i went back to sleep and another dream came. this one is too long to tell. there were so many scenes that rolled into one story. there was poignancy and sadness, pain and rejection, happiness and excitement. what a cocktail to drink.
i did something very bad, very very bad today. i feel horrible. almost sorry. but im too proud and stubborn sometimes. i know i should apologise.
to santosh my fav GEP.. respect man. reese- peck. its damn pro to be able to stay up the night to finish a 1000pc jigsaw in 5hrs.
this is for you. today, in my mind, we woke up early to catch the sunrise on the beach. so you can feel the sun's rays gently warm your face as it rises. and so i can hear and see the waves lapping on the shore one after another. we won't speak, because there isn't a need to talk, in such beauty we can only revel and indulge. beauty in this circumstance is not just a simple word to decribe something pretty.. its something more than that. it cannot be explain it in words as perhaps i lack the vocabulary but if you were with me this morning in my mind, you would have understood entirely. half and hour would pass in silence and then we would get up and walk hand in hand.. only seperating with a gentle see-you-later kiss as we get on with our lives for the remainder of the day.
it was simple as this. do you want to be together. why. because i love you. a nod. a kiss. and i ran off home because i told my dad i was gonna be back 30mins before. it was beyond happiness, a million times over, that run home. the same way i felt as i rushed out of rendezvous with you july 4th because i was late. do you remember?