30.11.04
mother. passion. smile. love. eternity. these are the nicest words in the english language according to a recent poll. it is interesting to note that out of all the words polled the word mother is the one that has smtg to do with a direct human relationship, and it won tops. passion, smile, love, eternity, i can say those words again and again. moulin rouge is sucha nice show, watched it twice already and still feel like watching it again...recently i kinda got addicted to another game, DOTA warcraft, spent 4 hours quality time with my bro in a lan shop.. havent done that in ages. the lan shop i mean. its freakin funny to hear some of the lan gamers talk out loud while playing.. like they get really involved and say the darndest things.. its sucha laugh. maybe ill go back to the kembangan mrt lan shop with my bro again tmr.. if he has cash.
i believe in you even if you don't believe in yourself. i trust you even when you don't trust yourself. i'll be there for you even when you aren't there for me. there is something i have to say today which i really mean. from the bottom of my heart. for the days leading to today, especially these past week and a half, im sorry.
This Romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up.
It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up.
Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby that's just me.
And I will love you baby always
And I'll be there forever and a day always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme
And I know when I die you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you always.
Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh
Some that made us cry
One that made you have to say good bye.
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes I'm just a man.
When he holds you close
When he pulls you near
When he says the words
You've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him with those words of mine
To say to you till the end of time.
And I will love you baby always
And I'll be there forever and a day always
If you told me to cry for you I could
If you told me to die for you I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you.
Well there ain't no luck in these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams and our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines.
*suen blogged @
11:00:00 PM | comment
26.11.04
Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true and deep as the sea
But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives.
Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom, freedom
Run away
Run away tonight
Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet in love's game
You would call; I'd call you back
And then I'd leave a message on your answering machine
We're made out of blood and rust
Looking for someone to trust without a fight
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and the moon that lights up my night
We got too much time to kill
Like pigeons on my windowsill
We hang around
Ever since I've been with you
You hold me up
All the time I've falling down
i speak the truth. i switched on the tv and survivor was on. it was the reward challenge. reward was 1hr online after being away for so long from loved ones and all. for starters everyone had a one minute conversation through webcam with the isight and a powerbook in the middle of the forest. emotions were high. i could barely hold back after each conversation. i love you's, i miss you's, i just wish i could hug you's. all that. and then it turned out that all their loved ones were actually on the island and there was a little reunion. i didnt even reach that part.. i rushed to the shower, turned it on.. and i cried. and cried. and cried.
*suen blogged @
10:39:00 PM | comment
why do you forfeit our happiness. why would anyone want to forfeit their happiness. or what can make them happy. illogical behavior. with you i was most happy. without you, i understand how pain and sadness can feel like. im not oblivious to what you must be feeling these past months, simply because im probably feeling the same way. all those emotions. ill die just to hold you with me once again. those hands. why is it so hard to be with someone you love, someone who makes you happy, someone who means so much to you. what barriers can there be that stops that from happening. i just wanna tear them down. if only i had the strength to. do you know how much guts it takes to wanna see you again. do you think im not afraid im still so in love with you and just wanna be with you. but i can put that all aside, those fears, if i wanna, i just hug you as it is. like how i msged that i just wanted to hug you that day. it would have been great. hug and go. to see your face just when you come out of the plane would be such a moment. cuz for that moment i will forget about everything around me. everything that is happening or has happened, cuz they dont matter as much.
somethings just matter more
you guys can ask me how am i how i feel. and i will say im so fucked up. and pls pardon my language.
*suen blogged @
1:40:00 AM | comment
23.11.04
i got a taste of how a punch would feel like on my face. that was during war games. i also came to the conclusion that in a fight.. or anything like a war game 3 factors determine your prowess, in or order of merit...
1: fear, the person with less fear wins
2: anger, in the event that both are fearless, the angry one wins. of course the anger is controlled and channelled.
3: how big and strong you are.
i wanna thank you guys for being sucha great company to me yesterday. the whole of yesterday. being understanding.. all the laughter.. singing and dancing we had was amazing. paintball was intense. the whole leave was worth it. my poor brother has a high fever. haha. they better not read my blog lol. at 1130 though when it was just abt time to go home after the movie in sch.. a scene in the movie reminded me of smtg. made me walk out straight into the toilet after that. washed my face and all. and then in the mrt it came. i could feel it inside of me.
i have 2 horrible gashes on my knee. and my knee is bruised. i have paintball bruises on my body. my forehead still hurts abit. aftermath of camp with crazy ppl.
i shall race in 2 weeks.
*suen blogged @
9:29:00 AM | comment
20.11.04
a few days back i bought boxers. and never in my life had i sucha laugh in the departmental store till the sales people were wondering what the hell was happening.. even up till the counter i was cracking up for some apparent reason.. it was so much fun. 2 more weeks to race day. 2 more days till you are back. 2 more months to half a year. and i just wanna hold and kiss you 1 more time. i watched blue crush today. kate botsworth in a bik... now thats hot stuff. i think the imported beer from holland is making me feel all woozy and a lil hornified tonight. ooh. not to mention im totally exhausted from training. the thing abt blue crush is having to hear your name in one out of 5 lines. and everytime a lil part of me lights up. oh well. you will be back soon. cant wait to see u. yeah cant wait.
i rememeber how it is when you stand beside me.. i remember how it is when you give me a reassuring peck. i remember how happy you made me. and how sad u made me. far as i ran.. i could always hear the sound of waves behind me. that gigantic pipe. roaring down behind me.
surfs up. come with me. ill take you on a ride.
*suen blogged @
8:11:00 PM | comment
14.11.04
somethings that i want to voice out. lace is so not sexy, please... low-rise jeans and/or ugly underwear sticking out, flabby tummy, gigantic hips dont work. its just spoiling everything.
i watched 5 movies in a row today. in this order. taxi, kill bill 1, american pie, american beauty and dirty dancing. sweet. the thing is some how throughout the whole sequence of 5 movies, you came into the picture. there were underlying currents and revelations. memories were also evoked. ok maybe not taxi but definitely killbill 1, perhaps its the swords and jap, the anime.. perhaps its more than that. abit in american beauty.. one scene of american pie, ok maybe more.. not the sex though. hmm prom comes to mind. and the whole of dirty dancing. dirty dancing was hot. if that was what you were doin with another guy.. thats what i call art, passion and sexuality flowing through if done right. now thats a hot cocktail.
i guess i could be really pissed off about what happened to me, but its hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in this world. sometimes, i feel like im seeing it all at once and its too much. my heart fills up like a balloon thats about to burst and then, i remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. and then it flows through me. like rain. and i cant feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid life. you have no idea what im talkin about for sure, but dont worry, u will. someday.
i had a dream last night. and i was awaken at a very tense juncture by my alarm clock signalling i have to get ready for work. maybe its a sign. for me not to settle for anything less. cuz thats just not me.. but i tell you i was this close. this close if not for the alarm.
heres a song.
I thought that you'd be loving me
I thought you were the one who'd stay forever
But now forever's come and gone
And I'm still here alone.....
It was you
Who put the clouds around me
It was you
Who made the tears fall down
It was you
Who broke my heart in pieces
It was you, it was you
Who made my blue eyes blue
...In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven
And now my heavens gone away
And I'm out in the cold
*suen blogged @
9:41:00 PM | comment
6.11.04
i smiled. and someone told me she hasn't seen that smile in years. it can be described, according to her, as a cheeky, mischievious, happy, little boyish smile.
For a week i have been contemplating giving you a surprise call. staring at my calling card wondering when and how. well maybe i have already given you a call without having to dial anything. perhaps.
tonight all i can think is damn damn damn. what the hell. damn you. i just can't explain it. i threw some shadow punches in the air while walking home. it did not feel any better... here we go again.
I can make the runner stumble
I can make the final block
And I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle,
I can make all the stadiums rock
I can make tonight forever
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn
And I can make you every promise that has ever been made
And I can make all your demons be gone
...But I don't know how to leave you
And I'll never let you fall
And I don't know how you do it
Making love out nothing at all
*suen blogged @
11:19:00 PM | comment
5.11.04
the weather is so cool.. so cuddly. makes one just feel like cuddling up to someone and sleeping like a cat..i have great music on.. im in my bedroom.. feeling romantic even though i have little reason to be. just perfect. this moment is perfect. nothing can spoil it... not the fact that im alone now and have no one to share it with, not the fact of whatever has happened for the past 5 months.. nothing can spoil it. and kenny g just makes it all even better. someone just told me i sound retarded. but hey. its my moment. and im indulging in it. even if it makes me a mad person.
my poor sinuses are going chaotic in this weather. one moment my nose runs, then its blocked, then its fine.. and all this happens one nostril at a time in different combinations.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir
Voulez vous coucher avec moi
*suen blogged @
12:10:00 AM | comment
3.11.04
im rather addicted to grand theft auto san andreas. yeah ever since my bro bought back a ps2 i have been playing.
I have not forgotten how it feels to be in love with you.
I have not forgotten what love is as defined by us.
Neither have i forgotten how a kiss from you feels like, how it is to miss you.
Its not really a need anymore. I just want you.
I wonder if you feel the same.
I have not forgotten, I just try to run away.
i watched nottinghill last night for the first time.. its quite good. hmm do the british really talk in that manner, i wonder, they talk so slow and cordially with a hint of drama and a load of etiquette. its interesting to listen to them talk. Well i saw the podiatrist recently, im a lil flat footed ( so is 70% of the population) my feet muscles are tight and have very little motion and i am thus prescribed with paddings (only 2 pairs, tak cucup) and an appt in 3 months to see if physiotherapy is needed.
*suen blogged @
6:06:00 PM | comment