i did not complete 2 of my runs. yesterdays and todays. suen that is utterly disappointing. As i ran yesterday this old man came up to me when i stopped at the traffic light. he said, nice jersey, relaly nice colours and all. i was in your school 1950. whoa. acs forever man. cut me and i bleed red blue and gold. i was there since primary school. i ran on feeling empowered but then the stitch got the better of me. what is happening to my body.
we never really got the best of each other while we were in the same country. its always i wish you were here now and all that. it sucks. thats all i hafta say. it sucks. its sucks you made a decision based on that. time to run away suen. now. run along now.
lets see what happens when we see each other again. its interesting to wonder what our reactions would be. will it be different, will it be the same. will i stare at u in hate or just give a glance of dismissal or will i have that fire in my eye. will i run away and hide. what would you do. will you say the same things. you better start running now suen.. you gonna regret it if u dont.
im gonna go clubbing again soon. i think i have sufficiently flushed out the sickness of that smu night. and i have a lil more cash on hand now. i want a lil escapism and meaningless fun.. cmon im human.
what do i do when i want to hold someone close, feel her body pressed up against mine in an embrace. what do i do when i wanna indulge in those moments once again with a lover. i mean sure, i have a life, dont get me wrong, im not some needy shit that thinks of this kinda thing all the time. but there are times when i lonely. as i lie on my bed for a nap just now, it was one of those times... you hug your bolster tighter, you think about finding another, but is that what you really want? what do you want? does it matter what you want if you cant get it? oh how i miss her. run away suen run away. you can only indulge in these thoughts awhile. after that just run. for the time being that is. i hope i wont have to run anymore soon.
lately the state of my face has not been improving. someone please recommend be a product that can take away the redness thats left from my face, zap those nasty zits the moment they arrive and tie my hands up when i wanna touch them. these days i have endless battles using benzoyl peroxide, teatreee oil and the like. i need something better.
As for running. havent been up to it regularly.. october. i will start in october, regularly i mean. 1k cash and glory awaits. and dammit, i do not have any gym discipline whatsoever.. bleagh. my room needs a lil packing.
hmm i think i got backstabbed at work recently, im still wondering who it is.. assholes. leave me alone and let me do my stuff will you. and i really gave it to some arrogant guy from tpjc at work last night he is alright as a person and all but he can get really irritating and insensitive and goes around with an air of superiority, i mean just cause you are one year my senior doesnt mean you can push me around like some idiot and think you are so much more superior to me. im not saying i cant take that, but i have a limit. i admit i can be quite blur at times but im far from stupid. if you push your superiority on me too far ill retaliate when the time comes. so, he asked me if those econs notes on the table were mine, i said nope. he said he really hated econs. i told him i liked it. he said how did u do for econs, said he did not do well. i said i got an A. he went,what did you say?. i knew he heard me but i told him again. he asked me again, not really believing what he was hearing, and i told him. he said what again. and i just said. i got 3 As la huh. in your face. he just kept quiet after that. then he started saying.. seriously? you not bluffing? then why arent you not going to nus?
on the topic of nus ill like to let the world that thinks smu is a run of the mill uni, where ppl who cant go to nus or ntu go, that they are so wrong. just 3 days back my aunty asked me if i have a uni place, i said yeah, she said where, i said smu. then my uncle said, yeah la, any uni can already just so long as u can get into uni good already la. he said it in a consoling manner.
Lord, turn things around for me please, thats my hearts desire. the way things have turned out.. i hate it. pls turn it around. i know everything is for the best, please help me see it soon. its tough. you know it is. you know first hand how difficult it is not to be with the ones you love. comfort. peace. love. especially to her. if she needs it more than me, give her my share. oh wait, u are one of abundance, no need for that. but you know my point. we shall continue this conversation later b4 i sleep..
so many things i want to say. so many things in my spirit i want to let out, pour out. but when words don't suffice what can one do.. hear the whisper of my breath, the rhythm of my heartbeats, the song in my eyes, the melody of my lips. if you still can. i hope you can, cuz i know it will mean alot to you, what i have to say. perhaps talk with me spirit to spirit, soul to soul. and you can get those answers you require.
i hope i will see you again. i wonder how i will react. but that will be the future, i shant worry or fantasize or imagine about it. it will come and we shall see what happens. life is interesting like that.. will i run, will i hide, what would i do, how will you react. all that, in the next days of our lives. stay tuned all of you.
if i were you i wouldnt think about the future impossiblities, possiblities, how things can never be or how things can be neither would i conclude anything from the past, from history.
at this stage, we have a blank canvas for us to paint on, our own canvas.. engineered by us. its personal. you paint yours i paint mine, when the time comes we shall compare our paintings, i might even let you splatter some of your paint on mine if you would let me smear some paint on your face again.
a song for a certain mouton rebelle.
It's quarter to three, there's no one in the place
Except you and me
So set 'em' up Joe, I got a little story
I think you should know
We're drinking my friend, to the end
Of a brief episode
Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road
I got the routine, put another nickel
In the machine
I'm feeling so bad, won't you make the music
Easy and sad
I could tell you a lot, but it's not
In a gentleman's code
Just make it one for my baby
And one more for the road
You'd never know it, but buddy I'm a kind of poet
And I've got a lot of things I'd like to say
And when I'm gloomy, won't you listen to me
Till it's talked away
Well that's how it goes, and Joe I know your gettin'
Anxious to close
Thanks for the cheer
I hope you didn't mind
My bending your ear
But this torch that I found, It's gotta be drowned
Or it soon might explode
Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road
I am a manipulative male dominatrix. anyone that comes into my path can get severely damaged.
Its the 25th, nothing really happened.. i didnt notice anything. perhaps something has already happened without my knowledge, something that might affect me. whatever it is.. if it has happen i will feel it sooner or later. what the hell am i talkin abt.
you know you have a problem when you can't say a prayer and mean it. i want to feel better i really do. but when i pray those words it doesnt sound sincere, why doesn't it.
i want you to be happy. i want you to forget about me. i want it to be easier for you.
i want to be happy. i dont want to be forgotten. i want it to be easier for me.
you can't stop the hurt inside when love and hate collide.
if i am in pain, may u not feel it with me.
i can say too bad we both love each other and cant be together.
i can also say there is always a purpose. there is always a good in everything. and its good we cant be together. i can say it both ways and mean it 100%. when something doesn't make one happy one shouldn't stick around. when something makes me sad i will run away from it. for now, i will be the coward. i will run.
september the 25th. something might happen on the 25th of september. i have to wait and see what it is. i dreamt of that date. i never dreamt of a future world before.
when i am in my realm i am comfortable. when i go into your world i get thrown around the place. but i like your world. i just have to stay in mine now. goodbye. is there such a thing as goodbye for us? time will tell.
it is selfish of me to say things like i want to take your kiss out of my lips. i want this i want that. even if i say i want something for you.. it might very well be selfish. everything is all i. so what to do. run.
I lie half awake
Late at night
I reach out to touch you
To feel you by my side
And I reach
And I reach
But I never get to feel you
Will I ever get to feel you again?
Again...
Just one more time
One more moment
To take you in my arms
One more chance
One more kiss
Before I wake to find you gone
One more time
Before I have to face another day
And my heart breaks...again
It's only a dream
But it's also real
I don't want it to end
But I know it will
So I pray and I pray
Every night I'm on my knees
Begging for the chance to see you again
Again…
Sometimes I get so tired of trying to convince him that I love him and will love him forever. He pounces on my words like a barrister and twists them. I know he is afraid of that desert which would be around him if our love were to end, but he can't understand that I feel exactly the same. What he says aloud, I say to myself silently and write it here. What can one build in the desert? Sometimes after a day when we have made love many times, I wonder whether it isn't possible to come to an end of sex, and I know that he is wondering too and is afraid of that point where that desert begins. What do we do in the desert if we lose each other? How does one go on living after that?
He is jealous of the past and the present and the future. His love is like a medieval chastity belt: only when he is there, with me, in me, does he feel safe. If only i could make him feel secure, then we could love peacefully, happily, not savagely, inordinately, and the desert would recede out of sight. For a lifetime perhaps.
There is nothing discredible about jealousy, Mr Bendrix. I always salute it as a mark of true love. Jealousy, the green eyed monster.
I remember I dreamed a lot of her in those obscure days or weeks. Sometimes I would wake up with a sense of pain, sometimes with pleasure. If a woman is in one's thoughts all day, one should not have to dream of her at night.
I felt that afternoon such complete trust when she said to me suddenly, without being questioned, " I've never loved anybody or anything as I do you." It was as if, sitting there in the chair with the half eaten sandwich in her hand, she was abandoning herself as completely as she had done on the hard wooden floor. We most of us hesitate to make so complete a statement- we remember and we foresee and we doubt. She had no doubts. The moment only mattered. Eternity is said not to be an extension of time but an absence of time, and sometimes it seemed to me that her abandonment touched some strange mathematical point of endlessness, a point with no width, occupying no space. What did time matter- all the past and the other men she may from time to time have known, or all the future she in which she might be making the same statement with the same sense of truth? When I replied that i loved her too in that way, I was the liar, not she, for I never lose the consiousness of time: to me the present is never here: it is always last year or next week.
The young fancy themselves immune to death. And why shouldn't they? At times life can seem endless, filled with belly laughs and butterflies, passion and joy, and good, cold beer.
Of course, with age comes the solemn understanding that forever is just a word. Seasons change, love withers, the good die young. These are hard truths, painful truths- inescapable but, we are told, necessary. Winter begets spring, night ushers in the dawn, and loss sows the seeds of renewal. It is, of course, easy to say these things, just as it is easy to, say, watch a lot of television.
But, easy or not, we rely on such sentiment. To do otherwise would be to jump without hope into a black and endless abyss, falling through an all enveloping void for all eternity. Really, what's to gain from saying that the night only grows darker and that hope lies crushed under the jackboots of the wicked? What answers do we have when we arrive at the irreducible realisation that there is no salvation in life. that sooner or later, despite our best hopes and most ardent dreams, no matter how good our deeds and truest virtues, no matter how much we work toward our varied ideals of immortality, inevitably the seas will boil, evil will run roughshod over the earth, and the planet will be left a playground in ruins, fit only for cockcroaches and vermin.
There is a saying favoured by clergymen and aging ballplayers: Pray for rain. but why pray for rain when it's raining hot, poisoned blood?
If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
I'm sorry i was not good enough. i did not understand, for being insensitive. for being proud when i should have just went to seek for help. i'm sorry i broke your heart.
I run in the rain on a road.. plunging through curtains upon curtains of water hoping that no one can see the one tear that flows down my cheek. Cars speed past me. i run harder into the heart of the storm to be engulfed in the thunderous ensemble hoping no one hears my cry to the heavens. The ground shakes. I run, turning round and round as each lightning bolt sparks across the clouds, emblazing everything with a white glow for split seconds at a time. Each time, the flash brings another memory.oh how hard i run, panting into the the pelting sheets. I run onto a beach, along the waters and i dive. i take a breath and dive deep. there is a sudden tranquility. That tear disappears into the ocean and is carried along with the waves. compte les vagues. All is quiet, i must have been in the water for hours. My head finally bursts out with a loud gasp. The atmosphere is calm, the sun has broken into the storm and warms my face gently as the waters run down my face. i smile. sentes le soleil. and i dive back in as the waters drown me.
i am so tired. its my mind not my body.. too lil sleep i guess.
so here it comes.. to attack me when my mind is tired. come and get me.. you got me where u want me. but i assure you i've taken alot of shit already so im more or less ready for more beating.
when will this all be over. when you tell me when. argh.
last night i was talkin to a friend at night..stayed over at his place. towards the time when we were going to knock off.. we were talkin abt sex, men and women..how they view it.. enjoy it. the openess, the movement in culture. rising promiscuity.. changing attitudes of women.
what are the chances, i just read you learnt about tt in class.
there was a king who ordered his countrymen to bow down and worship the image he made, failure to do so would mean being thrown into the blazing furnace.
there were 3 men who refused to obey and this is what they said..
" O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up. "
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were their names. And for the record. they walked out of that blazing furnace.
was i serious. were you serious. were we ready.
does it really matter.
today i caught a glimpse of smtg. it just flashed across me supernaturally for a split second. i actually saw and felt me through your eyes. saw what i mean saw who i was through your perspective. its like i switched bodies. i dunno how that happened. but it did. in the middle of church service.
i just broke inside.. but i was happy.
Girl, it's been a long, long time comin' But I, I know that it's been worth the wait It feels like springtime in winter It feels like Christmas in June It feels like heaven has opened up it's gates for me and you And every time I close my eyes I thank the lord that I've got you And you've got me too And every time I think of it I pinch myself 'cause I don't believe it's true That someone like you Loves me too Girl, I think that you're truly somethin' And you're, you're every bit of a dream come true With you baby, it never rains and it's no wonder The sun always shines when I'm near you It's just a blessing that I have found somebody like you To think of all the nights I've cried myself to sleep You really oughtta know How much you mean to me It's only right that you be in my life right here with me Oh baby, baby Everytime i close my eyes...
my legs are aching. i need a massage. like right now.. i jez did one for myself...
still remember thailand.. the full body massage was how shiok. gotta do tt again one day.. perhaps go to a spa too.. i would really like to go to one of those spas. one of those.
dimmers dimmers. when i have a house ill make sure ill install dimmers on every light. they rock. parquet floor.. blown up photos i took hanging on the wall, one or two good ones..gosh i really need more cash so i can snap more to become better and perhaps go on a course after i ord. one big black white photo. i think wedding pictures that are damn big and hung on walls are just damn lame. ill never do that. soooo ugly. just one moderate one placed on a frame in a glass cabinet would look nice.paintings on the wall.. sheepskin. my future house needs at least one. those things are just irresistably soft. my house will be a great. interior design fascinates me. i just gotta get the cash... migrate la suen migrate. things are so expensive here..
massage. i still want a massage. oh and i want strawberries and cream, peaches and cream.. and a glass of champagne. dim the lights. light the scented candles.. listen to kenny g. bask. anyone wants to join me? i mean its really great on my own but would you join me?
i want to live life on the road. hold on to nothing. go around. bless people. not a missionary though.not worry abt anything, tommorow will come. we will know what to do when the time comes kinda thing. maybe im influenced by jack kerouac (how do u spell his surname).
ill bring my girlfriend to club med maldives or smtg. or to a bali resort, maybe with some friends..all in a group. would you come? ill like to go travel around the world too..europe, oz.. would you come? would you. ill make sure you'll always be warm.
im free. im happy but im sad. tts the general feel of my life right now.