i had too much to drink last night. way too much. but i was still very conscious of what was happening around me and was still in control of my mind. head hurting like hell. puked till there was this vein above my eye that felt like bursting. horrid feeling. never again.
thanks biao.
thanks dennis
thanks for the hug denise. means so much.
wish it was from you.
i hope i can suck up as much govts money as possible for my legs in tmr medical appt... wanna get insoles..im a lil flat footed so it seems.
when you love someone for his or her essence..that is the highest form of love you can reach. then you just have to stick with it through the thick and a thin. not letting periods of hardship get to you even though it may last for months..what are months compared to years as compared to decades..as compared to eternity. you just have to walk through the valley up to the mountaintop. that simple. and you just gotta accept that you cant always stay on the mountaintop honeymooning. and when you find that person that can share that with you, that can really share it all with you through happiness and sorrow.. when you find such a person. thank God. and don't wait too long to get married.. seize the moment. work life up from scratch if you need to.. dun worry about waiting when you have the money or a stable career.. leave that all to God as with everything else. life will be fun, challenging but always fun. always..
that is my msg tonight for any of you out there who are reading this.
... its not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise that moves us along. and she will be loved...
without you i can brave the fire. with you i can live in fire.
i will not live a life of compromise. i will lead an exemplary life of excellence for my God.
i have a problem now. it really complicates things. but i think im handling it well. but im really really scared. each step i take.but isnt that what faith is abt. substance of things hoped for..of things not seen. keeps my life exciting. the highs cannot go without the lows. you wanna expand urself.. the tops expands higher.. the bottem expands deeper. you wanna be happy... u need to know wat is sadness.
im gonna indulge in it. anger. hate. spite. 15minutes after that, be gone.
i danced with a girl last night.. i held her close and danced to the music.
i was dancing with you last night... i held you close and danced to the music.
i have experienced a myriad of feelings, thoughts and emotions today, fantastic.. im still human.
but for the record b4 i sleep. im feeling good and nice. i feel loving and kind. tmr will come and the day after and so on.
i shall not snap at you or any of you for that matter.
i can decribe myself as a someone who is awry, confused, strong. and there is still love. im damn screwed up la.. damn screwed up. i cant even tolerate myself at times. but, i can take much more shit than this..come on. bring it on.
for the record i wash my hands clean. its a decision you made and if there are any regrets you take them. im sick of carrying them. for the record i wanted to take you to a different place that morning abt a month back. for the record i couldnt see the end but instead i saw a brighter future. for the record i still loved u with each passing day.
for the record you were not ready for a relationship even with a person you loved so much you were selfish to have started it and ending it on that note didnt make it any better. you made me believe in something so intense only to stop believing in it yourself.
i wanna forget i wanna get it out. i want it to make sense. you were the best even when you werent ready. i can only imagine how it will be like when you are ready. i can only imagine and regret when im not part of it.
i am feeling the consequences of another persons decision. it is something i did not choose. i only chose to love that person and trust that person and let that person into my life. if that was the mistake then im sorry.
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd; Labour and rest, that equal periods keep; "Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
A pretty girl. tanned, hot curves, ample chest, legs to die for. whatever.
I thought about beauty tonight, i concluded im attracted most- in the end- to the eyes. those are damn impt. in any case, everything can wither and sag away , but the eyes will be timeless. that gaze tt holds your gaze, the simple beauty in the eyes. eyes. i am drawn to that national geographic afghan girl because of those eyes.
i melted into your eyes. talk abt sleep. im still not getting good sleep. i have random dreams that i cant remember. im having a breakout. its my subconscious. even if i can make my conscious mind not think abt anything my heart is still not at rest.. my spirit has intermingled with another intimately. my life no matter how far apart, how different still is entwined with another. and because of that i wonder why things have to be like that now. maybe its a price i have to pay. i know what its like to be happy, i took for granted the peace and calm i had sleeping last time. i know what its like to be sad now. gosh i really was living, now i sometimes feel im just existing. im sorry i took it for granted, God, im sorry. i understand what it means to appreciate now. God, i really do. hear me.
i took some puffs today. just 2 or 3, to see whats up with it.. it sucks. my lungs are very sensitive. its been 2 hrs and i still feel constricted. but there was a high. but so what.
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
yesterday's night shift rocked. had no cases at the pass office.. had free food all the way.. the army guys had extra fried rice.. then they had extra cup noodles.. then this girl came down from transit area and gave us several boxes of sakae sushi. my partners were quite shocked that i never stop eating. haha if not for the money i'd have shared a subway footlong meal with one of the guys still. yummy..cold cut trio, hearty italian with cheese, lettuces and a dash of onions, southwest and honey mustard sauce, slightly peppered down, white chip macadamia cookie and double choc chip cookie to go! my fav subway meal. i just love subway. did i mention its healthy too? heh
then there were the jap airline stewardess's that changed passes with us on the last 2 shifts. pretty in a cute way.. we decided to try to strike a conversation since the last time we saw them- yup its a standard issue at the pass office, flirt and talk with the pretty ones..my seniors have all the methods of stalling time and all. but damn, its like the prev time, they were high on sake on smtg lol, kept giggling, saying thank you, giggling together , i was trying to keep myself from bursting out in laughter the whole time. they were giggling and acting so cute that i cant possibly strike any form of conversation with them neither could my partner. next time i will be more suave. takes practice.
i found out last night that its still in me. my hands were trembling and sweating a lil and my heart was pounding after i called and msged and after she replied. it was like the first time..
damn. im so interested still. at this point i have to make a decision. i told myself i will after 2 weeks. ill give myself somemoretime. At this point i can safely say that i finally feel im ready when you are. happy birthday.
this is totally whacked... its so whacked its interesting.
...The old civilisations claimed that they were founded on love or justice. Ours is founded upon hatred. In our world there will be no emotions except fear, rage, triumph, and self abasement. Everything else we shall destroy- everything. Already we are breaking down the habits of thought which have survived from before the Revolution. We have cut the links between child and parent, and between man and man, and between man and woman. No one dares trust a wife or child or a friend any longer. But in the future there will be no wives and no friends. Children will be taken from their mothers at birth, as one takes eggs from a hen. The sex instinct will be eradicated. Procreation will be an annual formality like the renewal of a ration card. We shall abolish the orgasm. Our neurologists are at work upon it now. There will be no loyalty, except loyalty towards the Party. There will be no love, except the love of Big Brother...
whoa. was so busy and tired the past few days. was at the national stadium for duties till midnight, did not get to see the fireworks though - the downside of doing duty in the shade, i was in charge of one of the entrance gates.
First time since last year track finals i stepped into the stadium. Got the goosebumps and all. As i was walking into the stadium and on the track to my post, I could visualise the entire finals. From the place where i warmed up alone and prayed to the starting line tot he win. champions. pure exhilaration. etched into my memory as an entire movie.
and then i looked at the grandstand where my group of spectators were and i remembered the freaking moment i took my position. I turned around to the grandstand, gave my team mates, my parents one look as a whole. Then i shifted my gaze to her, i knew where she was standing. and then i ran. it wouldnt have mattered if she closed her eyes the entire race, or whether she was cheering at the top of her lungs and jumping around, or if she was silent. she will never know how much she meant to be at that race its something i can't totally describe. I wanted to find her immediately, she left before I could see her after the race that day.
as i went to my post and stood there, for that 10 plus hours i was crying silently inside of me.
The smell of her hair, the taste of her mouth, the feeling of her skin seemed to have got inside of him, or into the air all round him. She had become a physical necessity, something he not only wanted but felt he had the right to. When she said that she could not come, he had the feeling that she was cheating on him. But just at that moment the crowd pressed them together and their hands accidentally met. She gave the tips of his fingers a quick squeeze that seemed to invite not desire but affection. It struck him that when one lived with a woman this particular disappointment must be a normal, recurring event; and a deep tenderness, such as he had not felt for her before, suddenly took hold of him. He wished they were a married couple of ten years' standing. He wished that he were walking through the steets with her just as they were doing now, but openly and without fear, talking of trivialities and buying odds and ends for the household. He wished above all that they had some place where they could be alone together...
Someone told me pimples are a result of missing someone. dammit my face is having a BreAkOuT now. help!
mayday mayday..im feeling turbulence. flight sticks are shaking.. seat is rumbling. mayyyd-d-d-d-daaay.mayyd-d-d-daay. fingers go past the eject button. no no no.. i shall ride this over.. ill pull the the the the plane uuu-u-u-p. aaa-a-a-a-a-hh-h-h.
explosion.
engine 2 is down. i repeat engine 2 is down. F. you there is still engines 1,3 and 4 so down F.ing tell me this plane cant work on 3. gg-g-ggosh its s--h-h-haking.F.you you F.ing fly you bitch.
i clocked 5.5k of mileage today. steadily proceeding to gain back some running base.. i can actually feel my fitness bouncing back exponentially with each run. legs are operational. i told myself i shall fear no injury or induce any pseudo injuries.
my heart beats strongly and steadily tonight. and i shall dedicate a full 100 beats.. all of it.. the blood that rushes through my body from these 100 beats.. even the oxygen that refuels me from those beats. im dedicating it to someone out there who is very far away physically from me right now. it might not matter for the time being but im still dedicating it. i choose to.
i dare you.
to listen to the songs.. to walk through the imprinted footsteps around.
i dare you.
to sit at the placed you sat..to go to the places you met.
i dare you.
to think of the memories and ride the pain and sweetness together.
i freaking dare you.
are you game. Game. Love her if you dare. Love me if you dare.
i think im gonna run tonight.. my leg seems to be alright, perhaps it was just and ache. last night during duty i made a conclusion. Zimbabweans suck. the president came and they did so much shopping , all his delegates and all. they bought so much computers and tvs you would think they are setting up a shop. they bought truckloads such that they had troubles putting it on the plane. had to do it manually..fill the entire plane up i would think they have to sit on the boxes the whole trip. fill the plane up till it was beyond safety regs, all the exit doors had home theatre systems or smtg. the airplane wheels were straining with the weight. best part is i stood on the runway for 2 over hours. why? cuz the fellas without passes or anything insist they wanna oversee the entire loading process. and they keep running around looking like they are doing smtg and lookin busy. i've got to make sure they walk up the plane after all is done. i stood there watching the moonrise, hearing and smelling plane exhaust watching a billion planes take off up close. the president went into transit area for shopping and came out in a moment spending 60k. hmm i wonder who is funding him. i wonder how he taxes the people.
pool needs concentration. i was playin with this girl the other day.. and like everytime i play with her i lose. playing with the guys a few days after showed that i havent lost it yet. went to the arcade, put 50cents after 50 cents to play this punching game that is so liberating.
i ran a 5:21 for a mile without training. i took so much care to stretch and all.my left leg is alright. but surprisingly my right leg, the area behind the knee is hurting.. i hope its jez a muscular ache not a tear or injury. pls God don't do this to me.. don't take this away from me too.
there are these cycles i have to face.
its like a wall to climb. wall of my life. there are these peaks that come.. and i make sure i use them to help the friends in need that are in similar circumstances. i try to help pull them up. on the troughs.. where everything comes and hits me, the winds beat me with its tirades i jez hold on tight to the wall take all the beating, but i always have this choice that tempts me right in the face. the choice to let go of the wall and fall back down.
i must not give up. for my sake, and for everyone who cares for me, i will be responsible.that is wat i can say now when im feeling neutral, neither peak nor trough.
i sleep. but i wake up tired. i wake up 2, 3 hours b4 my alarm and went i try to get back to sleep its damn fitful. there are random dreams.
i hate this feeling thats in me right now.
i believe in alot of things. can someone believe with me.